Basic Rules of Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millenium
by LoveHurtsLife
Summary: A list of simple rules learned the hard way by a certain Maid....
1. Hellsing List

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing!**

**Title: Basic Rules of Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millenium Organizations  
Summary: A list of simple rules learned the hard way by a certain Maid....  
Pairing(s): None  
Rating: T**

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You walk down a random hallway of the Hellsing Mansion. Today is your first day of being a butler/maid (depends on your gender, reader) for the Hellsing Mansion. Oh joy! You enter the room you were assigned to by Walter for the REST-OF-YOUR LIFE....just kidding....but anyway, you find several sheets of paper on the dresser that were left behind from the last servant that worked here. You sit down on your bed and began reading them:

_For those who do not know me, I am Matthew Wingates. I worked as a previous Maid here in Hell.....GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!_

_Enough of me....there are several things you should know about the three top Organizations that nearly RULE the entire country of England. They are:_

**_Hellsing  
Iscariot  
Millennium_**

_It seems that even though these are three powerful organizations, they all came in rules I had to strictly fallow.....I have listed them for you to go by. Use them well an you might just survive working at your new job._

_Your Pal,_

_~Matthew Wingates,  
Head of Household Maid  
_

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Order 1: Hellsing List

1. Obey Integra

2. Do NOT try to take Alucard on walks at night when he's in his Hellhound form

3. When the Wild Geese demand for their morning coffee, give it to them

4. Do NOT EVER ask Integra if she is gender confused. To answer your question, she is a GIRL

5. ....don't even ask for proof unless you want Alucard to personally kick your ass

6. Pip enjoys hot baths, do NOT flush any toilets on the same floor he is in since it will result in showering him in cold, freezing waters

7. Whenever you run into Seras in the hallway, make sure you don't smoosh her boobs unless you really want to feel them

8. ...if you screw up on #7, just say it was an "accident"

9. Do NOT sneak up on Alucard and scream "ANDERSON!"

10. Make sure that Alucard's llamas are happy and content

11. Do NOT throw tea parties and invite Iscariot and Millennium over

12. NEVER attempt to set Integra up a blind date with Enrico Maxwell or Herr Major

13. If you catch Pip or Alucard sleeping in the living room, do NOT try to copy Jigglypuff from Pokemon and draw on their faces with Sharpie marker

14. Do NOT mock Alucard's Control Art Restriction Voice Commands, you might end up activating them by accident

15. NEVER screw around with Walter's "Dental Floss of Doom"

16. Do NOT take any of Pip's Barbie dolls hostage

17. Make sure, when doing the laundry, to NOT mix Alucard's red coat with Pip's white underwear and shirts

18. Always share the tv with Pip when he wants to watch foot-ball....which is actually soccer in France

19. Never call Pip the "French Version of Sanji"

20. Never mention ot Integra that she needs an heir

21. Do NOT even attempt to hand pick a..."partner" for Integra

22. Never point at Integra and call her Deidara

23. Be sure to fallow Walter's grocery list

24. Check off this list

25. Make sure to give Integra her Happy Pills to keep her anger management at a low profile

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**Let the chaos begin....**

_**READ & REVIEW!**_


	2. Hellsing List Cont

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing!**

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Order 2: Hellsing List Cont.

26. Do NOT attempt fire Seras's RPG or Alucard's Jackal, you WILL lose an arm....or two

27. NEVER impersonate House (from House M.D.) and call Alucard an "idiot"

28. Do NOT try and tie Integra's hair in a loose pony-tail and call her "Luke Valentine"

29. If you write rated M fan fics (particulary lemons with yuri), NEVER let Pip find them and mistaken them for porn....otherwise, you might not see them again

30. Always stay away from the Shooting Range where Pip and his men practise, you might get shot

31. Do NOT feed the neighbors to Alucard or Seras and claim that they (neighbors) are homeless people you found

32. Whenever Halloween comes around, NEVER dress up as a Nazi or an Iscariot

33. ...for #32, don't even dress up at all since you're wearing a maid/butler costume

34. Do NOT call yourself Vlad the Impaler

35. When Hellsing has a movie night, make sure that Iscariot NEVER knows about it

36. NEVER ask Alucard if he is distantly related to Abel Nightroad

37. Always play Medal of Honor with Pip or Walter, it kills bordom

38. Do NOT enter the Secret Laboratory when they bring in a new ghoul or vampire corpse in to study

39. ...if you screw up on #38, good job in turning Hellsing into Resident Evil because the scientists were trying to recreate the T-virus

40. ...if you STILL screw up on #38, pack your bags and run to Alaska with Pip by helicopter

41. NEVER sneak up on Integra and scream "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

42. Always listen to Walter's long, unneeded explanations

43. Make sure to give special attention to Seras whenever she feels down

44. NEVER cut Pip's braided pony-tail and sell it on Ebay

45. NEVER attempt to exorcise Alucard

46. Always ensure that there is NO garlic in Integra's food....she's allergic to it

47. ...for #46, in fact, make sure there is NO garlic on the Hellsing Estate

48. NEVER ask Seras if her boobs are just implants, doing so will result you in getting bitch slapped

49. If Integra ever asks about Resident Evil, do NOT explain it to her because she already LIVES in Resident Evil

50. The main theme song for Hellsing is "Thriller" by Michael Jackson, NEVER attempt to change it

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**Okey, #50 is a reference to Michael Jackson (obviously) who had died June 25, 2009. May the King of Pop rest in peace.**

_**READ & REVIEW!**_


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